Being single sucks sometimes.
Also, being honest that being single sometimes sucks sometimes sucks.
I recently had someone ask me how it was being single. This question comes up more and more the older I get and it always brings a myriad of thoughts and emotions for me. I am never sure how to answer. Do you want the truth? It’s complicated.
Being single is hard. It is hard to not have that companionship that everyone around you seems to have. It is hard to not second guess yourself and your own value. It is hard to figure out how to meet someone when you are more interested in their values than in their looks. It’s hard to not have someone to go get you Oreos at 11:00pm when you don’t want to leave the house after a super stressful day at work or just have someone know that you want Oreos without telling them. It’s not super fun to have to not be in the place you always thought you’d be.
Being single is also freeing. I don’t have anyone to answer to on the daily. I can make choices about my career, my living arrangements, and how many pets I have without any input from anyone else (except my roommates… I don’t think they want anymore animals ha). I don’t have to consider anyone else if I want to go out or if I want to watch Netflix all day. There is no impact on anyone but myself if I choose to spend my money stupidly or if I choose to give it all to some organization that I support.
Being single is all the feels.
I often think that the question that they are asking is “Are you happy without someone?”.
Do I spend time thinking about being in a relationship and why it hasn’t happened yet? Certainly. Do I wish that I had someone? For sure. Do I let that keep me from experiencing life? Hell no!
I don’t need someone else to make me complete (that’s a job for Jesus). There is so much that I have gotten to experience because I have been single for so long. I have gotten to grow with God in ways that I am not sure I would have if I had been in a relationship all this time. I have traveled the world and experienced cultures. I wouldn’t trade any of that for a different life.
There was a time I was putting my life on hold while I waited for someone to live my life with and it was made very clear to me that I was idolizing a relationship. I was putting it above any calling or growth that I was called to. Let’s talk about how unhealthy that was. I am so glad I have come to the place where I know without a doubt that I have to be who I am becoming and not wait for someone else to go there.
I also sometimes think that the question is why are you still single?
The only answer I have for this question is STOP ASKING SINGLE PEOPLE THAT! I don’t know. Don’t you think if I knew the answer I would no longer be single? I could answer “because God hasn’t sent my person my way”, or “because boys don’t like me”. But really neither of those answers are real feeling and neither makes the person asking happy. The first answer feels like a Christian platitude (even if that’s probably the real answer) and the second is just a joking way to deflect what is honestly probably one of my deepest fears that I am not actually loveable (which is unhealthy and something I am working on).
So yeah don’t ask that.
So how is being single? It’s hard and easy – sometimes at the same time. It is messy and beautiful. It is exhausting and freeing. It is a gift and a curse. I love it and I hate it. Depending on the moment my answer will be different.
If I find someone it will be the same. I will be hard and easy, messy and beautiful, exhausting and freeing,… I think life is just like that. Complicated.
I’ve learned to just accept it as it comes. Hope for what I desire but hold that desire really loosely because if it isn’t what God has I don’t want to be in a relationship anyway.